I recently found out that my seventeen-year-old daughter is pregnant and even though I had been harboring this suspicion for some time the reality and the confirmation of this still left me a bit shell-shocked.
To respect my daughter’s privacy I am not going to share many details surrounding her pregnancy nor am I going to share how she told me or the personal details of our discussions. What I am going to share is the Lord’s guidance of my parenting and how I am responding to both my daughter and the Lord.
First, I loved my daughter. I did not yell at her, I did not take this as a personal affront to me, my husband or my/our parenting. First thing I did, was hug my child and we both cried. Second, we sat down and had a heart to heart conversation where I shared and revealed more to her about her mother’s heart and she shared more with me about hers. Third, I told her that she could not be surprised that she became pregnant because she chose to have relations with her boyfriend engaging in something that God created to be between a husband and a wife and He meant for conception to come from that relation. And, I told her that we will take this step-by-step and that I will be right along her side every step of the way.
Though she will always be my child, she has made a decision for which the “consequences” of has rendered her no longer a child. The gradual migration that should normally occur for a mother to move into an advisory and supportive role as my daughter moves into that of an adult and protective parent, has been accelerated for us both.
My daughter waited long enough before telling her parents that she was pregnant. What I mean is, she had fully digested and processed her revelation long enough so that the decision she made was her decision. I’ve been asked, “How can you be so calm?”. And people have looked at me as if someone has died. I have been told that my daughter has lost her innocence, and to that I thought, well, she lost that a long time ago when her parents divorced. Sadly, children lose their innocence the moment that they walk through the doors of any public school in America. I have been surprised by some of the reactions I’ve received from friends suggesting adoption. Some of these are very wonderful, kind and well-meaning friends and some are overstepping their bounds.
Adoption, hmmm, now this sent my mind into a debate. First off, at the suggestion of another family member to my daughter of “options”, my daughter responded, “there are no options”. Nuff said. For my husband, “We would adopt”. Nuff said. For me, I thought, “Are babies that bad?”. “Is this that bad” “Is this where people go, straight to, “the out”, straight to, “discard” this mistake? There are many other things in today’s world to which I could have completely lost my daughter. So, is this that bad?
No, I don’t think that it is.
The pregnancy is not the sin, what she engaged in that got her pregnant was. To some this is a scarlet letter; a sin that all can see. For me this is a life and every life is precious and created by God. When a child misbehaves the parent must be stern while the discipline is carried out and then the relationship and interaction between the parent and child returns to normal. A parent does not, or should not, treat the child with hostility or be angry at the child, so why should I treat my daughter any differently? In the context of her pregnancy and appointments, insurance, money, school, et cetera, I am exercising tougher LOVE. Outside of this, I am still exercising LOVE; we are joking and loving both my daughter and the baby in her womb. You see, again, this little baby was created by God and this little baby growing is a gift and this little baby deserves to have joy in his or her life NOW. I want my daughter to remember this time fondly and be free to enjoy the beauty of creating a life, I want her to remember this time and giggle with my grandchild about how wiggly he or she was during that first ultrasound. I want my daughter to go on to want to have more children one day.
There are so many, too many [one is too many] children aborted every day. EVERYDAY. Thank you Jesus that my grandchild was not one of them. Thank you Jesus that though a hard lesson, my daughter will learn more and know more of you far earlier than I did and this will bring her back to a real relationship with you.
Finally, to those reading this that still don’t get it or me, yes this is still obviously not ideal, but this is not about ideals. And this is not about you reading this who think they will have to pay for my daughter, don’t worry you won’t, we got that covered, and again this is not about you. I am only 39, but that is just making this about me, and it is not about me. It is no longer about my daughter either. This is about a tiny little life. This is about my grandchild.
It is in times of trial that I feel closer to Him, it is during times of trial that I understand more why He has allowed things to happen and how He had provided long before I understood the “why’s” of His provision. It all goes through His Hands. Our God is an awesome God.
Love and prayers, Allegra